#21 Don’t Let Your Failures Define You

Hi! I’m back with a new episode of the "Get Unstuck with Murielle Marie," podcast, where we explore what it means to be stuck and find inspiration to live our best lives. I'm your host, Murielle Marie, and in today's episode, I want to dive deep with you into the subject of failure, and how to not let it define you. I’m going to start by sharing some personal stories of failure - ahum - from my own life and entrepreneurial adventures. I’ll add in a few stories from my coaching clients and offer a bit of a philosophical perspective on why our failures don't define us. Plus, we'll explore how we can transform failures into positive experiences. Let's get started!

What’s the fear of failure and where does it come from? The fear of being wrong or making mistakes is often connected to perfectionism. And that’s certainly true. Being afraid of making a mistake or doing something “wrong” (quote - unquote) is something that we are conditioned into almost from the day that we’re born. As children we learn how to behave by being reprimanded for the mistakes that we make. 

There’s also a neuroscientific and biological element to this: being able to learn from our mistakes is how our ancestors survived the planes of the Savannah, and how we have made it to today. So there are advantages to being able to recognize mistakes, learning from them and improving our choices and actions over time. However, and this is where things become tricky, for many (my former self included), the fear of failure can become so overwhelming that it gets us - and keeps us stuck. Being afraid to make mistakes is not only related to perfectionism; it's often a solid pull for staying where you are instead of trying to change your life. But the type of failure that keeps us stuck is a fallacy. 

As I’ve mentioned, it's a construct we take with us from childhood, often given to us by caregivers or teachers. Since so much of our growing up centers around learning to play nice and avoiding mistakes when we finally reach adulthood, many have it drilled into our very core that taking any misstep is dangerous. If, as an adult, you’ve ventured out and made mistakes in your personal or professional life, that can add up to making it even harder to be willing to jump again and try new things. The fear that it might not work out can be a powerful block to achieve your dreams and goals. 

But the reality is that we ALL, continuously, MAKE mistakes. AI, as a concept (yes, I’m going on a tangent here but bare with me for a second), is built on how our brain works (loosely). How does AI learn and become better? By making mistakes and improving its decision-making process based on what it learns from them. Of course, and this is why AI is so incredible and dangerous at the same time, since it has a capacity to make mistakes, it can also come to wrong conclusions and make big ones. There’s a really cool spreadsheet by the way, available online, and created by one of my favorite AI researchers, Victoria Krakovna. She has some great talks on YouTube as well (I’ll add some links in the show notes). The spreadsheet, which I’ll link in the show notes, is a running list of specification gaming in AI (AI systems coming up with "hacks" to solve problems). Those hacks, although clever, are mistakes or at least misinterpretations of the rules of the games. Needless to say, they’re usually not conducive to a game well played, although they are usually providing the AI system with a win. Google AI gaming hacks if you want to know more about it, it’s super interesting stuff!

Anyway, back to the fear of making mistakes and not making mistakes define us. AI systems don’t really care about the mistakes they make, they just want to learn from them. In a way, it’s the same with us - or should be. But because there is such an emotional component to making mistakes - mostly because of other people and “what they will think” - mistakes and failure are often hard to swallow. One thing that can help to handle the fear of failure better is to talk about it more openly. Think about it? When does one ever talk about all the things that didn’t work out for them to get where they are today? Seldomly!  We have a tendency to highlight the success stories of our role models and to ignore or sweep under the carpet this other side of the success coin: that no big win ever happens without big learnings - and thus big mistakes as well. 

To help demystify failure I’ll share with you a number of big mistakes I’ve made in my life. I feel secure and confident as a human being today, and as an entrepreneur. I wouldn’t feel this confident if I hadn’t made all the mistakes that I did. Each time - and some of them were really expensive, believe me - they allowed me to grow and add information and insights to my knowledge base of how life and business work. 

One of the things that making a lot of mistakes helped me do most is to not be afraid of actually making mistakes. This is probably the #1 reason why I have the confidence (most of the time) to take the risks I take,  to continue to chase my dreams, and to dream bigger dreams!

So, ok, a few of my mistakes (vulnerability alert):

• I once paid someone I hardly knew €20000 (now worth about €30000) for a franchise. The business didn’t exist, the guy left for another country the day after I’d paid him. A few weeks later he sent me a picture of the jet ski he bought with my money. Never heard from him again. Also never signed any agreements without absolute proof again.
• I once, in the early days of my first business, accepted to put the phone bill of one of my independent sales guys on my company after he pleaded with me and told me he would only use it for emergencies and to call clients. He left after a month. A few days later I received a bill for €4000 for his phone calls in the mail. I paid it. And never gave anyone an open phone bill contract in my name or that of my company again.
• A few years into my first business, I got a call from a London law firm enquiring about my willingness to sell a trademark that I’d purchased a few years before. I wasn’t doing anything with the trademark and was so excited about the opportunity that I accepted their offer without negotiating. Once the trade was made I realised what company was behind the purchase and that I could (and should) have asked for 5 times more. I never again accepted an offer at face value, and have negotiated all sales after that point. Still hurts sometimes though, hahaha. That’s what lessons do though, if they don’t hurt a bit we don’t learn. At least that’s how I’m wired.

I have many, many more where those came from. But you get the point. Every time something happened that didn’t work out well for me, I learned from it. I think that’s the best we can do: no do the thing again, but instead figure out a better way. The same is true for my clients. 

Let’s take Sarah - I’ll call her the Aspiring Entrepreneur

Sarah had always dreamt of starting her own business. She had a passion for baking and wanted to open a bakery of her own. But she constantly worried about not being a good enough baker, the potential financial risks, and the possibility of disappointing the people around her. So for many years, Sarah never took the leap and remained stuck in her unfulfilling job. She would bake on the weekends and every minute she was free, and everyone knew how good her cakes and muffins were,  but the fear of failure paralyzed her. Eventually she had to jump, fear of failure and all. Because that’s the thing: you have to do it with the fear, if you wait for the fear to go away, you’ll never do it because that will never happen!

Or take Mark - let’s call him the Ambitious Writer

Mark was an aspiring writer that I met in a writing class I took. He really wanted to publish his first novel but he constantly doubted his writing and feared rejection from publishers. Now, if there’s one thing I know about the publishing world it’s that you’ll get rejected - ALOT. So being afraid to fail is probably the worst fear you can have, because it could keep you stuck forever. In Mark's case, his finished manuscript remained hidden in a drawer, and it took him a massive amount of courage to finally take the step to send it to a publisher. After a few painful rejections, his dream of becoming a published author became a reality. And that’s how it is with every dream or goal. You have to accept failure, mistakes, rejection as a potential side effect. If you don’t, you’ll never do anything meaningful! 

So we know that the fear of failure can paralyze us, prevent us from pursuing our dreams and stifle our personal growth. That’s just the fear part though, and the easy bit. Eventually, we can all muster the courage to jump. But what if we start to identify with our failures? What if we start to believe that we are the failure?  

When the fear of failure becomes deeply ingrained in us, it can manifest as a powerful self-perception. The belief that we are the failures, rather than experiencing failure as a temporary setback or learning opportunity, can be profoundly damaging. I see it in my work regularly. People who are so stuck and paralyzed because they’ve become convinced they can’t do anything right or will never have what it takes to go after what they really want. This happens when failure intertwines with our sense of self-worth, distorting our perception of who we are and what we are capable of.

When we identify with failure this way, we start a cycle of self-doubt and self-sabotage. We hesitate to take risks or pursue new opportunities.

To overcome this, it’s important to recognize that failure is not a reflection of our inherent worth. We are not our failures. Failure is a natural part of the journey toward success and growth. It’s through failure that we gain valuable insights, learn important lessons, and develop resilience. By shifting our perspective, we can begin to see failure as an essential stepping stone to the life we want to be living.

Ultimately, our relationship with failure shapes our path in life. If I had let myself be guided by my first big mistakes, I might never have taken any risks after that. I came across a Marilyn Monroe quote a few days ago, that is so on point with this episode: “Just because you failed once, it doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything.” 

It’s important to remember that failure will happen, but so will success. They go hand in hand. 

Throughout history, many philosophers and thinkers have pondered the nature of failure and its impact on our lives. Friedrich Nietzsche, who believed that failures are necessary steps on the path to success. He emphasized the importance of embracing our failures as they provide valuable opportunities for growth and self-discovery. I love Nietzsche who reminds us that failure is not an endpoint but a catalyst for personal evolution.

Another philosopher I really like is Epictetus. He said that failure itself doesn’t define us but rather our response to it. He believed that our character is shaped by how we handle setbacks and challenges. Epictetus encourages us to view failures as external events that we can't control, but we can control our attitudes and responses to them. 

So, how can we transform our failures into positive experiences? 

To reprogram your nervous system into knowing that nothing terrible happens when you fail - and that failure is simply part of living and achieving your dreams - you can start with little experiments with friends, family, and loved ones. Forget the condiments next time you set the dinner table and go, "oops, my bad" if anyone notices, misplace your mom's glasses and see how she reacts when you tell her about your "mistake," go to a restaurant and order something you don't want and change your mind when it arrives. 

Some other practical strategies that have worked with coaching clients (and myself) include:

1. Self-reflection: Take the time to reflect on your failures, examining the lessons they hold and the areas for growth you can identify as a result.
2. Learn and adjust: Use failures as opportunities to learn and refine your strategies. Adjust your approach based on the insights gained from your experiences.
3. Cultivate resilience: Develop a resilient mindset by viewing failures as temporary setbacks, not permanent mistakes. Remember that failure is not indicative of your worth or potential.
4. Reframe failures as opportunities: Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of failures, reframe them as opportunities for personal growth, learning, and redirection.

So basically (and I have to thank a conversation I had with my friend Lotte recently for this wrap-up): trying not to make mistakes is useless, we’re human, we’ll keep on making them. Being willing to deal with them appropriately (apologize when we need to, learn what there is to learn, move on and do better next time) is a much better strategy. It’s not easy, and it requires courage, but it is the most effective way to grow and become a better person.

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Yay! That’s it for this episode. 

Before we end today, here's this week's "f*ck it, let's do it" experiment. This week I invite you to - tada - make mistakes! Use the options above, or come up with your own little experiments to help your nervous system accept mistakes and experience how harmless they actually are. 

If you're feeling inspired, here's a little act of daily rebellion this week: Embrace the joy of imperfection. Choose one activity or task each day where you intentionally allow yourself to make mistakes without judgment or self-criticism. It could be something as simple as trying a new recipe, experimenting with a creative project, or engaging in a physical activity outside of your comfort zone.

 

For example, if you enjoy painting, intentionally create a piece where you focus on expressing yourself freely, without worrying about perfection or the final outcome. Allow the colors to blend imperfectly, let go of the need for precision, and embrace the process rather than fixating on the end result. Similarly, in conversations or interactions, challenge yourself to express your thoughts and opinions openly, even if it means stumbling over your words or not having all the answers.

If you have a story of overcoming failure or if you'd like to get in touch with me, I’d love to hear from you! Connect with me on Instagram @muriellemarie or via email at murielle@muriellemarie.com.

Have a great week! Break a leg! :) Bye for now.

Just a heads up: I am not a therapist or doctor! If you're not feeling your best mentally or physically, and you need some help, please make sure to consult with a medical professional or a therapist.

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